BLARGLE MARGLE FLARGLE GRRRRRRRRRRRRR )(*#$#^%^%$#(*#@(*

This is going to be me for the next few weeks:

Because I've decided to quit smoking. I even bought a few boxes of The Patch.

Wish me luck. But even more than that, wish the people AROUND me luck, because I might snap and kill them all.

Especially Cub.

Dear Robots: Please Let Me Keep My Phone When You Take Over the World

This is me:

No.....actually, it's probably more like this:

I am bad at math. Really bad. A kind of bad that defies description. I once had a math teacher tell me "after you get this mandatory math credit, you probably shouldn't take math anymore." Not because he thought I was too stupid, but because he could see that it wasn't gonna catch on, and thought it would be better for me to take classes that would actually mean something to me. English, drama, history -- things that he knew would get me where I wanted to go.

When I was taking math, my calculator was my most-bestest friend. It still is. I use it for just about everything math-related. Even basic stuff, because I know as easy as it looks and as easy as it is for most people, my brain doesn't like numbers. I have a calculator app on my phone, and I use it at least half a dozen times a day.

I tell you all of that to get to this: I love technology, I think it is awesome, I use it as much as I can, and I hope we get more.

When I was in school and I would bring home math homework, I would use my calculator to do it. My grandparents thought that sucked. They would tell me "if you use that calculator, you'll never learn how to really do math." NEWSFLASH: I was never going to learn how to really do math. Never ever ever. When I try to put number in my brain, my brain barfs all the numbers out.

So for me, a calculator is my only option. Well, I guess technically there is one other option: not knowing what I need to know. Decision Time, Melanie -- you can use a horrible, unnatural, probably evil (according to my grandparents) calculator, or you can choose to not know if there is enough money in your bank account to cover rent, your car payment and that $25.00 shampoo you seem to think you need.

That's my argument when people tell me that technology is wrecking stuff. If it weren't for calculators (aka TECHNOLOGY) then I would be bouncing cheques and maxing out my credit card on a regular basis. Not all new stuff is bad. Eyeglasses were a new idea once. So was running water. So was chemotherapy.

The main issue seems to be anything computer-related. The Internet. Facebook. Twitter. Cell phones. Tablet computers. Google. I've heard people say Google makes people dumber. That's like saying encyclopedias make people dumber. Google is just an encyclopedia, only faster -- and I can get to it on my phone, instead of having to drive to the library. And let's not forget there was a time when there weren't any encyclopedias, either.

No encyclopedias = can't look up information, can't get smart.
Encyclopedias = CAN look up information, CAN get smart.
Google = really fast encyclopedia, can get smart even faster.

Some people think cell phones have made people lazy, or unable to get by without having their phone in their hand. My cell can do phone calls, texts, and emails. I can look up directions, use a calculator (YAY!), check the weather, read a book, listen to the radio, set a timer so my cupcakes don't burn, figure out how much of a tip to leave at a restaurant, save things to my calendar, watch a video of otters making out, find a recipe, play Angry Birds while I wait at the doctor's office, and make fart noises with an app I downloaded. So, yeah -- those people are right. I can't get by without my phone.

I don't actually think that's a bad thing.

Even something like Facebook and Twitter, which at first glance might seem like a waste of time or a "fake" world to some people -- I think they are both very important things. It's not just good for sharing information (whether it's silly pictures of cats or beautiful pictures of new babies) but it's a new way to interact with people. Years ago, if you couldn't be near your friends, you could only talk to them on the phone. Before that, you had to write a letter. Now, I can log on to my Facebook account and get in touch with my friends right that very second. I think that's amazing. Technology doesn't make people less human. It brings us so much closer together. I truly can't wait to see what the world comes up with next.

Or, I could be wrong. We could all be in the middle of a set-up by evil robots who are just waiting until they've lulled us into a false sense of technological security, so they can invade and force us to be their butlers. As long as they let me keep my phone, I don't really care.

What is Deadmau5? Turns Out it's Exactly as Weird as You Think.

We all know who Blue Rodeo and Nickelback are, but if you're anything like me (and for your sake, I really hope you're not because I think I might be mildly insane) then you're getting a little glassy-eyed trying to identify some of the folks who will be at the Juno's this Sunday. Well never fear, for I have the power of Google and I'm here to help you wind your way through the maze. Join me, won't you, as we learn about some of the Canadian musicians that we might not be all that familiar with.......yet........


City & Colour

At first glance, you would assume this is the name of a band. That's what I thought anyway. But nope -- it's just one guy. His name is Dallas Green. Get it? City & Colour. Dallas Green. Clever. And his music's pretty good. Plus, he has a crap-tonne of tattoos:

Classified

That is his name. I don't mean that his name is classified information -- I mean that is his name: Classified. I don't think that's his birth name. Hold on -- I'll go ask Google...................

.......................I'm back. His real name is Luke. I figured his mom didn't name him Classified. That would be pretty weird. He's a rapper from Nova Scotia. And he has an album called 'Handshakes and Middle Fingers.' He wears his hat crooked a lot.


F****d Up

I hope these guys win an award, because it will make me laugh when the person announcing the winner has to say "And the winner is........F****D UP!!!!!"

They are a hardcore punk band, which explains why I've never heard of them before.

F****d Up played at a music festival in 2009 in a village called F***ing, Australia. I am not making this up. This is real. It was called the Festival of the F*** Bands, and featured such musical acts as Holy F***, F***, and F*** Buttons. Seriously. I am not making this up.

I would put a picture here of them, but I'm afraid of what I will find if I do a Google picture search for 'F****d Up.'


JRDN

I feel bad for JRDN, because he does not have any vowels. Or maybe he did have some, and he lost them. Or maybe he had irritable vowel syndrome, and he had to have them removed.

I just looked up a picture of him. Here, look at it:

He's very good-looking. So good looking, that I don't even care what kind of music he sings. I just wanna look at him for a while.


Deadmau5


For a long time, I insisted on calling this guy "Deadmau Five." I figured if he wanted to spell his name weird, then I was gonna say it weird.

It is actually pronounced "Deadmouse." Morbid. Also, I had a dead mouse in my basement once and not even one person wanted to some see it, so I don't know why he thinks this is a good name.

His real name is Joel, and he's from Niagara Falls. He does the music that has records that get spun around and go "wokka wokka scratch scratch." And he wears a big mouse head on his real head.

I don't get it. And I'm going to have nightmares where that is coming after me.

Zombie Apocalypse, ad pw, and Spider Baby

Scrolling through my emails today, I realized that the best parts of some emails are the subject lines. These are actual subject lines of emails I have received over the last week or so.


"Your Invited"

- Wrong 'your,' dipstick. DELETE.


"Zombie Apocalypse"

- Intriguing, but I'm not sure I should open this. I'm pretty sure it's spam, but am I ever gonna feel stupid if it's a legitimate warning.


"Programa Especial Pascoa-Santare"

- I don't know what that means.


"Homis Controle e Instrumentacao"

- Don't know what that means, either.


- Este fin de demana en Zaragoza"

- Isn't Zaragoza a kind of cheese?


"Fly Fish Northern Spain"

- No thank you.


"100 Rooms at a rate of $19"

- Is this an hourly rate? Because I ain't that kind of girl.


"Satisfy your afternoon 'snack' attack"

- Putting 'snack' in quotation marks makes it seem dirty.


"Payroll Time Sheet"

- WOO HOO!!! I'm getting paid this week!


"O curso mais aplicado"

- I opened this one because 'curso' made me think it might have swear words in it. It didn't. Disappointment.


"RE: IMPORTANT"

- Doubt it.


"We can each make the choice never to be sick again"

- Sure -- if I seal myself in a bubble and never leave the house. Since beer and candy live in stores and not in my house, that doesn't seem like something I'm likely to do.


"ad pw"

- This one looks legit. I should open it and send them money.


"Spider Baby"

- This one was a picture of Spiderman dressed up as a baby. Best email of the week.

The Most-Loved Toy From My Childhood........Only Different

When I was a kid, I played with My Little Ponies to the point where my parents probably should have had me checked by a brain doctor. I've seen them making a comeback over the last few years, which is difficult for me. Difficult because as a grown woman, I probably shouldn't play with My Little Ponies. I'm struggling with the idea of pretending to buy them for non-existent nieces, and then just bringing them home and playing with them myself.

OR, I will start ordering these ones online..........

Avatar (I don't care about the movie, but these look COOL)

Ponycow!!!

No freaking way. Nothing this cool should exist.

I. Am. Ironpony. Na Na, Na Na, Na Na, Ironpony.

Johnny Depp: Adorable even in pony-form.

Kruger Pony will get you when you sleep.....

McPony

Edward Scissorhooves

Darth Pony

Pony Yoda: Awesome, it is.

Riddle Me This.....

I like riddles. They make me feel smart, even though there is a very distinct possibility that I'm not (I'm basing that on the fact that for the THIRD TIME THIS WEEK, I have managed to open the freezer door on my fridge directly into my face. You'd think I'd learn after the second time, but nooooooooooo.)

Here, for your riddling pleasure, are a few of my favourites. If you think you know the answers, email me at melanie@939bobfm.com or send me a message on Facebook. I have absolutely nothing to give you if you're right, I just want to see what your answers are :)

I'll come back to this post in a week or so, and put up the answers. And, of course, the names of everyone who got the answers so Bragging Rights can be claimed!


1. I am the beginning of the end, and the end of time and space. I am essential to creation, and I surround every place. What am I?

2. What always runs but never walks, often murmurs, never talks, has a bed but never sleeps, has a mouth but never eats?

3. What is in seasons, seconds, centuries and minutes but not in decades, years or days?

4. What English word has three consecutive double letters?

5. You throw away the outside and cook the inside. Then you eat the outside and throw away the inside. What did you eat?

6. How far will a blind dog walk into a forest?

7. What happens when you throw a yellow rock into a purple stream?

I'm So Glad There's The Internet

The Intertubes have opened up a whole new world for us. We can find any information we need in seconds, we can talk to friends instantly from almost anywhere, and we can connect with people from parts of the world that we might never get to see for ourselves.

But, perhaps most importantly, we can find weird pictures of Nicholas Cage.