BLARGLE MARGLE FLARGLE GRRRRRRRRRRRRR )(*#$#^%^%$#(*#@(*

This is going to be me for the next few weeks:

Because I've decided to quit smoking. I even bought a few boxes of The Patch.

Wish me luck. But even more than that, wish the people AROUND me luck, because I might snap and kill them all.

Especially Cub.

Dear Robots: Please Let Me Keep My Phone When You Take Over the World

This is me:

No.....actually, it's probably more like this:

I am bad at math. Really bad. A kind of bad that defies description. I once had a math teacher tell me "after you get this mandatory math credit, you probably shouldn't take math anymore." Not because he thought I was too stupid, but because he could see that it wasn't gonna catch on, and thought it would be better for me to take classes that would actually mean something to me. English, drama, history -- things that he knew would get me where I wanted to go.

When I was taking math, my calculator was my most-bestest friend. It still is. I use it for just about everything math-related. Even basic stuff, because I know as easy as it looks and as easy as it is for most people, my brain doesn't like numbers. I have a calculator app on my phone, and I use it at least half a dozen times a day.

I tell you all of that to get to this: I love technology, I think it is awesome, I use it as much as I can, and I hope we get more.

When I was in school and I would bring home math homework, I would use my calculator to do it. My grandparents thought that sucked. They would tell me "if you use that calculator, you'll never learn how to really do math." NEWSFLASH: I was never going to learn how to really do math. Never ever ever. When I try to put number in my brain, my brain barfs all the numbers out.

So for me, a calculator is my only option. Well, I guess technically there is one other option: not knowing what I need to know. Decision Time, Melanie -- you can use a horrible, unnatural, probably evil (according to my grandparents) calculator, or you can choose to not know if there is enough money in your bank account to cover rent, your car payment and that $25.00 shampoo you seem to think you need.

That's my argument when people tell me that technology is wrecking stuff. If it weren't for calculators (aka TECHNOLOGY) then I would be bouncing cheques and maxing out my credit card on a regular basis. Not all new stuff is bad. Eyeglasses were a new idea once. So was running water. So was chemotherapy.

The main issue seems to be anything computer-related. The Internet. Facebook. Twitter. Cell phones. Tablet computers. Google. I've heard people say Google makes people dumber. That's like saying encyclopedias make people dumber. Google is just an encyclopedia, only faster -- and I can get to it on my phone, instead of having to drive to the library. And let's not forget there was a time when there weren't any encyclopedias, either.

No encyclopedias = can't look up information, can't get smart.
Encyclopedias = CAN look up information, CAN get smart.
Google = really fast encyclopedia, can get smart even faster.

Some people think cell phones have made people lazy, or unable to get by without having their phone in their hand. My cell can do phone calls, texts, and emails. I can look up directions, use a calculator (YAY!), check the weather, read a book, listen to the radio, set a timer so my cupcakes don't burn, figure out how much of a tip to leave at a restaurant, save things to my calendar, watch a video of otters making out, find a recipe, play Angry Birds while I wait at the doctor's office, and make fart noises with an app I downloaded. So, yeah -- those people are right. I can't get by without my phone.

I don't actually think that's a bad thing.

Even something like Facebook and Twitter, which at first glance might seem like a waste of time or a "fake" world to some people -- I think they are both very important things. It's not just good for sharing information (whether it's silly pictures of cats or beautiful pictures of new babies) but it's a new way to interact with people. Years ago, if you couldn't be near your friends, you could only talk to them on the phone. Before that, you had to write a letter. Now, I can log on to my Facebook account and get in touch with my friends right that very second. I think that's amazing. Technology doesn't make people less human. It brings us so much closer together. I truly can't wait to see what the world comes up with next.

Or, I could be wrong. We could all be in the middle of a set-up by evil robots who are just waiting until they've lulled us into a false sense of technological security, so they can invade and force us to be their butlers. As long as they let me keep my phone, I don't really care.

What is Deadmau5? Turns Out it's Exactly as Weird as You Think.

We all know who Blue Rodeo and Nickelback are, but if you're anything like me (and for your sake, I really hope you're not because I think I might be mildly insane) then you're getting a little glassy-eyed trying to identify some of the folks who will be at the Juno's this Sunday. Well never fear, for I have the power of Google and I'm here to help you wind your way through the maze. Join me, won't you, as we learn about some of the Canadian musicians that we might not be all that familiar with.......yet........


City & Colour

At first glance, you would assume this is the name of a band. That's what I thought anyway. But nope -- it's just one guy. His name is Dallas Green. Get it? City & Colour. Dallas Green. Clever. And his music's pretty good. Plus, he has a crap-tonne of tattoos:

Classified

That is his name. I don't mean that his name is classified information -- I mean that is his name: Classified. I don't think that's his birth name. Hold on -- I'll go ask Google...................

.......................I'm back. His real name is Luke. I figured his mom didn't name him Classified. That would be pretty weird. He's a rapper from Nova Scotia. And he has an album called 'Handshakes and Middle Fingers.' He wears his hat crooked a lot.


F****d Up

I hope these guys win an award, because it will make me laugh when the person announcing the winner has to say "And the winner is........F****D UP!!!!!"

They are a hardcore punk band, which explains why I've never heard of them before.

F****d Up played at a music festival in 2009 in a village called F***ing, Australia. I am not making this up. This is real. It was called the Festival of the F*** Bands, and featured such musical acts as Holy F***, F***, and F*** Buttons. Seriously. I am not making this up.

I would put a picture here of them, but I'm afraid of what I will find if I do a Google picture search for 'F****d Up.'


JRDN

I feel bad for JRDN, because he does not have any vowels. Or maybe he did have some, and he lost them. Or maybe he had irritable vowel syndrome, and he had to have them removed.

I just looked up a picture of him. Here, look at it:

He's very good-looking. So good looking, that I don't even care what kind of music he sings. I just wanna look at him for a while.


Deadmau5


For a long time, I insisted on calling this guy "Deadmau Five." I figured if he wanted to spell his name weird, then I was gonna say it weird.

It is actually pronounced "Deadmouse." Morbid. Also, I had a dead mouse in my basement once and not even one person wanted to some see it, so I don't know why he thinks this is a good name.

His real name is Joel, and he's from Niagara Falls. He does the music that has records that get spun around and go "wokka wokka scratch scratch." And he wears a big mouse head on his real head.

I don't get it. And I'm going to have nightmares where that is coming after me.

Zombie Apocalypse, ad pw, and Spider Baby

Scrolling through my emails today, I realized that the best parts of some emails are the subject lines. These are actual subject lines of emails I have received over the last week or so.


"Your Invited"

- Wrong 'your,' dipstick. DELETE.


"Zombie Apocalypse"

- Intriguing, but I'm not sure I should open this. I'm pretty sure it's spam, but am I ever gonna feel stupid if it's a legitimate warning.


"Programa Especial Pascoa-Santare"

- I don't know what that means.


"Homis Controle e Instrumentacao"

- Don't know what that means, either.


- Este fin de demana en Zaragoza"

- Isn't Zaragoza a kind of cheese?


"Fly Fish Northern Spain"

- No thank you.


"100 Rooms at a rate of $19"

- Is this an hourly rate? Because I ain't that kind of girl.


"Satisfy your afternoon 'snack' attack"

- Putting 'snack' in quotation marks makes it seem dirty.


"Payroll Time Sheet"

- WOO HOO!!! I'm getting paid this week!


"O curso mais aplicado"

- I opened this one because 'curso' made me think it might have swear words in it. It didn't. Disappointment.


"RE: IMPORTANT"

- Doubt it.


"We can each make the choice never to be sick again"

- Sure -- if I seal myself in a bubble and never leave the house. Since beer and candy live in stores and not in my house, that doesn't seem like something I'm likely to do.


"ad pw"

- This one looks legit. I should open it and send them money.


"Spider Baby"

- This one was a picture of Spiderman dressed up as a baby. Best email of the week.

The Most-Loved Toy From My Childhood........Only Different

When I was a kid, I played with My Little Ponies to the point where my parents probably should have had me checked by a brain doctor. I've seen them making a comeback over the last few years, which is difficult for me. Difficult because as a grown woman, I probably shouldn't play with My Little Ponies. I'm struggling with the idea of pretending to buy them for non-existent nieces, and then just bringing them home and playing with them myself.

OR, I will start ordering these ones online..........

Avatar (I don't care about the movie, but these look COOL)

Ponycow!!!

No freaking way. Nothing this cool should exist.

I. Am. Ironpony. Na Na, Na Na, Na Na, Ironpony.

Johnny Depp: Adorable even in pony-form.

Kruger Pony will get you when you sleep.....

McPony

Edward Scissorhooves

Darth Pony

Pony Yoda: Awesome, it is.

Riddle Me This.....

I like riddles. They make me feel smart, even though there is a very distinct possibility that I'm not (I'm basing that on the fact that for the THIRD TIME THIS WEEK, I have managed to open the freezer door on my fridge directly into my face. You'd think I'd learn after the second time, but nooooooooooo.)

Here, for your riddling pleasure, are a few of my favourites. If you think you know the answers, email me at melanie@939bobfm.com or send me a message on Facebook. I have absolutely nothing to give you if you're right, I just want to see what your answers are :)

I'll come back to this post in a week or so, and put up the answers. And, of course, the names of everyone who got the answers so Bragging Rights can be claimed!


1. I am the beginning of the end, and the end of time and space. I am essential to creation, and I surround every place. What am I?

2. What always runs but never walks, often murmurs, never talks, has a bed but never sleeps, has a mouth but never eats?

3. What is in seasons, seconds, centuries and minutes but not in decades, years or days?

4. What English word has three consecutive double letters?

5. You throw away the outside and cook the inside. Then you eat the outside and throw away the inside. What did you eat?

6. How far will a blind dog walk into a forest?

7. What happens when you throw a yellow rock into a purple stream?

I'm So Glad There's The Internet

The Intertubes have opened up a whole new world for us. We can find any information we need in seconds, we can talk to friends instantly from almost anywhere, and we can connect with people from parts of the world that we might never get to see for ourselves.

But, perhaps most importantly, we can find weird pictures of Nicholas Cage.

Pictogram Time!

I love puzzles. ALL puzzles. Pictograms are especially fun. See if you can figure this one out............

Happy Valentime's Day

A collection of some of my favourite Valentine's Day images.

BUT REMEMBER -- Even though today is Valentine's Day, the REAL holiday is tomorrow.......cuz that's when all the chocolate will be on sale.



~~~~

I Don't Wanna

Sometimes my boss sends me stupid emails asking me to "do stuff" that I'm "supposed to do" because it's my "job" or whatever. I've decided that from now on, instead of merely telling him I don't want to do whatever thing it is he wants me to do, I will get cute animals to do it for me.

That should work, right?

OK, I guess technically he IS, but whatever.

Bored? I Can Help!!!

I'm on strike when it comes to going outside today. I'm even trying to convince my dog that if she tries really hard, she can 'hold it' until tomorrow. I thought for a second that maybe the weather was OK -- I looked outside and it was all sunny and bright -- then I opened my door and my nostrils froze shut. I call that Frostrils.

I figured I can't possibly be the only one who has decided to stay indoors today, and since that can get boring after a few hours, here are a few tips taken from my personal collection on ways to keep yourself entertained when it's -1,000,000,000 outside (-2,357,553,331 with the windchill.)


1. Find the dumbest thing on TV and watch it. Watch the whole thing, beginning to end. When you're done, you will feel like Einstein compared to whatever fools you just watched on TV. Here's my suggestion:

After that, I suggest you get some scissors and paper, because it's CRAFT TIME!!!!  YAY!!!!! This is a very simple craft project, that will keep you entertained for hours. First, find a book our DVD or anything in your home that has words on it. Then, using strategically placed pieces of paper, change the words to say something else. I used a book on building decks:

Leave your finished project laying around the house for other family members to find. It is sure to a) amuse them, or b) make them wonder if it's time to up your meds.

And now, my final suggestion for things to do when you're bored because you can't go outside because it's so cold that your car has caused its own engine to catch fire so it can stay warm. This one also involves the TV. It works best if you have a PVR so you can pause the TV, but a DVD works too. Whatever it is you decide to watch, try to pause it while one person is on the screen. It can be someone you can't stand (Dr. Phil) or someone you like (I have used my friend Jeff in the following example) Once you have the person paused on the screen, prepare some spitballs, like you might have done in high school. Using a Bic pen with the ink tube removed, fire the spitballs at the TV screen.

You can make it into a game -- count how many you can get in a minute, see how accurate you can be, or just do it until you run out of spitballs.

So there you have it. Melanie's suggestions to stay entertained when you can't go outside because it's so cold that the bricks on your house are crumbling. Hopefully it will be warmer tomorrow, because I don't think my boyfriend is terribly happy that the TV is covered in spit.


~Mel






~~~

TV TV TV TV TV TV TV TV TV TV !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I admit it -- I'm a TV junkie. I'm not ashamed. I've heard the argument that watching a lot of TV makes people stupid, and I don't buy it. It's all in what you watch, and what you get out of it. Heck, I even know one very smart person who watches Jersey Shore, if you can believe it.

Fall is almost here (sorry, summer-lovers) and that means -- TA DA!!!! -- TV is coming back! New shows, old shows, good shows, bad shows, and in between. So, without further ado, here are my picks for the good and the bad of the new shows and the returning ones (in my own humble little opinion, of course!)

Best of the New

1. Homeland -- Starring Claire Danes as a CIA agent and Damian Lewis (really hot red-headed British actor) as a soldier held captive for several years who finally comes home. She suspects he might have gone to the other side while he was missing, and is helping out terrorists now that he's back in the U.S. It's on Showtime, so hopefully we'll get it on one of the movie channels here.

2. Once Upon a Time -- Fairy tales in real life. I love it! Stars Ginnifer Goodwin (she was on that show with Bill Paxton about polygamists that I can't remember the name of right now) and Jennifer Morrison (she was on House but isn't anymore). It's about fairy tale characters that are trapped in the real world. If this one gets cancelled, I will be aggravated.

3. The Secret Circle -- OK, I'm biased about this one because it's based on a series of books I read when I was a teenager (and which I downloaded for my Kobo and still read now). If they follow the books, it's about a girl who loses her family and has to move to a new town.....where she discovers she comes from a long line of witches. Yeah, sounds cheesy and yeah, it's for teenagers -- but I don't care :)

4. The Ringer -- Another one that I admit bias towards. This time, because it has Sarah Michelle Gellar, aka BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER!!! I watched that show obsessively. And then I bought the box set. Which I still watch obsessively. I know it has a silly name, but it really is a great show. Ringer sounds cool, too. A woman on the run from bad guys takes over the identity of her twin sister, then finds out her twin sister's life ain't all that great, either.

5. American Horror Story -- Now, this one is on the American network FX, so we might not get it in Canada right away. And when/if we DO get it, DO NOT LET YOUR CHILDREN WATCH IT. It's about a couple who find out something is wrong with their new home. That's not the part you have to worry about. The part that you have to worry about is that it's on FX, and while they DO make great shows, they DON'T shy away from the bad words and the naked stuff. Don't say I didn't warn you.


Worst of the New

1. Terra Nova -- There is only one reason I already hate this show even though I haven't seen it: Dinosaurs. I am afraid of dinosaurs. This show might end up being absolutely amazing, but I am NOT watching it.

2. Hart of Dixie -- Manhattan doctor moves to small town, where she doesn't fit in with the townfolk. I liked this show........when it was called Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

3. The Playboy Club -- Takes place in the 60's, at a playboy club. Riding the coattails of Mad Men, in my opinion. I have a friend who's seen the premiere. He says it sucks. I'm not surprised.

4. Last Man Standing -- I like Tim Allen, but that's not enough to make me watch this show. It's a guy who is surrounded by women and not-manly-enough-for-him men. Yaaaaaaaawn.

5. H8R - Host Mario Lopez (really?) brings together celebrities with the regular everyday people who can't stand them. Celebrities then try to win them over. The only way I will watch this is if they let me be in episode where they put me alone in a room with Dr. Phil and a cattle prod.


Best of the Returning Shows

1. House -- No matter how ridiculous this show gets (and it can get pretty ridiculous) Hugh Laurie still rocks. From what I gather, the new season starts with House in prison for driving a car into Cuddy's house (remember how I said this show can be ridiculous?) I will watch this show for as long as they keep putting it on TV.

2. Cougar Town -- Goofy name, hilarious show. If you haven't given it a chance because it was a dumb name (and it really does) then I beg you to watch a few episodes. Hilarious, and also really touching sometimes. I was never a Friends fan, but Courtney Cox is so good in this show. Heck, EVERYONE is so good in this show. JUST WATCH IT ALREADY.

3. Community -- A show that gets great reviews, but not a ton of attention. There are a million reasons why you should watch it, but instead of going through them all, I'll just say two words: Chevy. Chase. That man can't NOT be funny.

4. CSI -- Two years ago, I wanted to gather every copy of this show and drop it in an ocean. It had gotten tired and annoying. I missed Grissom and Sara. I was bored. But now, they're adding Ted Danson. TED FRIGGING DANSON. So yeah, I'll be watching again.

5. Castle -- Not only does it star a handsome Canadian boy (Nathan Fillion) but it's just an all around good show. A mystery write who follows around a police detective to help get ideas for his books. Yep -- probably totally wouldn't happen in real life. Don't care. Good show. Please watch.

Worst of the Returning

1. CSI Miami -- I just.....I......I just hate this show so much.

2. Grey's Anatomy -- I used to love this show. Now......meh. Same old, same old. Time to go bye-bye.

3. Desperate Housewives -- Like Grey's Anatomy, I used to watch this show religiously. It's not that it got bad, it just got boring. I was glad to hear this will be the last season, because the actors on it are SO GOOD that they deserve a chance to get out there and start working on other things.

4. Mike & Molly -- THIS SHOW IS NOT FUNNY.

5. Just about every reality show -- Just stop already, please? I like my TV to be nice and fake :)

Death Metal Neighbour

I live in a townhouse. My townhouse is stuck to two other townhouses, one on each side. On one side, I have The Good Neighbours. They are, as the name implies, good neighbours. 

On the other side, I have Death Metal Neighbour. Can you guess what kind of music he listens to?

 

This. And it's horrible. Seriously - only listen to it for maybe 20 seconds, or your head will explode. For real.

Death Metal Neighbour works overnight.....which means he plays his "music" during the day. I work early mornings......which means I'm home all day to hear his "music" pounding through my walls.

Also, he uses his air conditioner ALL SUMMER LONG, even when it's cool at night. And he sits on his back step and stares at me. And he rides an ugly bike. And he flicks cigarette butts near my steps. And he looks like he might smell like a wet bellybutton.

Raid should make jerk repellent.

-----

A Letter to My Dogs

Dear Jagger and Chewy,

There are a few things we need to address.

First, I want you to know I love you both very much.  How could I not?  You're both freaking adorable.

See? Freaking adorable.

But I'm starting to have some concerns about......well.....your brains.

You see, every Monday to Friday, the mailman comes to our front door.  Every Monday to Friday, he slips something (usually bills) through the mail slot on that door.  Every Monday to Friday, the mail slot makes a tiny noise when it closes.  And every Monday to Friday, YOU BARK YOUR LITTLE HEADS OFF WHEN THAT HAPPENS.  I could understand if, for example, that little mail slot sound was followed by a monster jumping out from behind the couch and yelling "ARGLEBLARGLEBLARGH!" and then stealing each of your 7,000,000 doggie toys, but that never happens.  NOTHING ever happens.  Yet you both bark.  Every.  Single.  Time.

I'm also a little concerned about your selective hearing problem.  If I say the word "treat," you both launch yourself through the air like tiny, furry rockets in my direction.  If I say "walk," you fire toward the door like little hair-torpedos.  But if I say "get off the couch," you look at me like I've just said something you have never heard before in your entire life -- which is not true, because I say those exact words FIVE HUNDRED TIMES A DAY.

So, while you are both very cute and wonderful dogs, I feel that we really need to iron out these two little issues.  Once we've fixed that, we can move on to discussing how yanking at the end of your leash until you gag will not make me go faster when I take you for a walk.

Love,
The Person Who Feeds You

When I Rule the World.......

Someday, I fully intend to be in charge of the world.  I haven't quite figured out how I'm going to do it, but I'm pretty sure I can pull it off.  And when I do, some things are going to change.

1.  Weather

When I look out the window and see sunshine and little fluffy clouds, my brain goes "OOH!  It looks nice out!  It must be nice out!  I'm going to wear a skirt and sandals!"  And then I go outside in a skirt and sandals, and it's -75 Celsius.  So when I'm in charge of the world, the sky will have to be honest about the weather.  If it's cold out, all clouds must look like this:

That way, I will know that even though the sun is shining, it is actually gross and cold and horrible outside and I shouldn't wear sandals.  Yes, I suppose I could just check The Weather Network to see what the temperature is, but that seems like an awful lot of work.


2.  Bad Drivers

If you cut me off/don't signal/throw something out your window and it hits my car, I get to paint your car like THIS and make you drive it through the city's toughest neighbourhoods:

3. Shopping Carts

When I'm in charge of the world, licences will be required in order to operate a shopping cart.  Why?  Because I'm sick of hobbling out of the grocery store with dented legs every time I need to pick up milk.


4. George Clooney

He has to do what I say.  If I want him to do my laundry, George Clooney has to do my laundry.  If I want him to walk my dogs, George Clooney has to walk my dogs.  If I want him to sit on my couch and look handsome, George Clooney has to sit on my couch and look handsome.

Well done, George.  You follow orders well.

5. Candy

I get all of it.  I might share it with you, if I'm feeling generous.

Mine.  ALL MINE.