TV TV TV TV TV TV TV TV TV TV !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I admit it -- I'm a TV junkie. I'm not ashamed. I've heard the argument that watching a lot of TV makes people stupid, and I don't buy it. It's all in what you watch, and what you get out of it. Heck, I even know one very smart person who watches Jersey Shore, if you can believe it.

Fall is almost here (sorry, summer-lovers) and that means -- TA DA!!!! -- TV is coming back! New shows, old shows, good shows, bad shows, and in between. So, without further ado, here are my picks for the good and the bad of the new shows and the returning ones (in my own humble little opinion, of course!)

Best of the New

1. Homeland -- Starring Claire Danes as a CIA agent and Damian Lewis (really hot red-headed British actor) as a soldier held captive for several years who finally comes home. She suspects he might have gone to the other side while he was missing, and is helping out terrorists now that he's back in the U.S. It's on Showtime, so hopefully we'll get it on one of the movie channels here.

2. Once Upon a Time -- Fairy tales in real life. I love it! Stars Ginnifer Goodwin (she was on that show with Bill Paxton about polygamists that I can't remember the name of right now) and Jennifer Morrison (she was on House but isn't anymore). It's about fairy tale characters that are trapped in the real world. If this one gets cancelled, I will be aggravated.

3. The Secret Circle -- OK, I'm biased about this one because it's based on a series of books I read when I was a teenager (and which I downloaded for my Kobo and still read now). If they follow the books, it's about a girl who loses her family and has to move to a new town.....where she discovers she comes from a long line of witches. Yeah, sounds cheesy and yeah, it's for teenagers -- but I don't care :)

4. The Ringer -- Another one that I admit bias towards. This time, because it has Sarah Michelle Gellar, aka BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER!!! I watched that show obsessively. And then I bought the box set. Which I still watch obsessively. I know it has a silly name, but it really is a great show. Ringer sounds cool, too. A woman on the run from bad guys takes over the identity of her twin sister, then finds out her twin sister's life ain't all that great, either.

5. American Horror Story -- Now, this one is on the American network FX, so we might not get it in Canada right away. And when/if we DO get it, DO NOT LET YOUR CHILDREN WATCH IT. It's about a couple who find out something is wrong with their new home. That's not the part you have to worry about. The part that you have to worry about is that it's on FX, and while they DO make great shows, they DON'T shy away from the bad words and the naked stuff. Don't say I didn't warn you.


Worst of the New

1. Terra Nova -- There is only one reason I already hate this show even though I haven't seen it: Dinosaurs. I am afraid of dinosaurs. This show might end up being absolutely amazing, but I am NOT watching it.

2. Hart of Dixie -- Manhattan doctor moves to small town, where she doesn't fit in with the townfolk. I liked this show........when it was called Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

3. The Playboy Club -- Takes place in the 60's, at a playboy club. Riding the coattails of Mad Men, in my opinion. I have a friend who's seen the premiere. He says it sucks. I'm not surprised.

4. Last Man Standing -- I like Tim Allen, but that's not enough to make me watch this show. It's a guy who is surrounded by women and not-manly-enough-for-him men. Yaaaaaaaawn.

5. H8R - Host Mario Lopez (really?) brings together celebrities with the regular everyday people who can't stand them. Celebrities then try to win them over. The only way I will watch this is if they let me be in episode where they put me alone in a room with Dr. Phil and a cattle prod.


Best of the Returning Shows

1. House -- No matter how ridiculous this show gets (and it can get pretty ridiculous) Hugh Laurie still rocks. From what I gather, the new season starts with House in prison for driving a car into Cuddy's house (remember how I said this show can be ridiculous?) I will watch this show for as long as they keep putting it on TV.

2. Cougar Town -- Goofy name, hilarious show. If you haven't given it a chance because it was a dumb name (and it really does) then I beg you to watch a few episodes. Hilarious, and also really touching sometimes. I was never a Friends fan, but Courtney Cox is so good in this show. Heck, EVERYONE is so good in this show. JUST WATCH IT ALREADY.

3. Community -- A show that gets great reviews, but not a ton of attention. There are a million reasons why you should watch it, but instead of going through them all, I'll just say two words: Chevy. Chase. That man can't NOT be funny.

4. CSI -- Two years ago, I wanted to gather every copy of this show and drop it in an ocean. It had gotten tired and annoying. I missed Grissom and Sara. I was bored. But now, they're adding Ted Danson. TED FRIGGING DANSON. So yeah, I'll be watching again.

5. Castle -- Not only does it star a handsome Canadian boy (Nathan Fillion) but it's just an all around good show. A mystery write who follows around a police detective to help get ideas for his books. Yep -- probably totally wouldn't happen in real life. Don't care. Good show. Please watch.

Worst of the Returning

1. CSI Miami -- I just.....I......I just hate this show so much.

2. Grey's Anatomy -- I used to love this show. Now......meh. Same old, same old. Time to go bye-bye.

3. Desperate Housewives -- Like Grey's Anatomy, I used to watch this show religiously. It's not that it got bad, it just got boring. I was glad to hear this will be the last season, because the actors on it are SO GOOD that they deserve a chance to get out there and start working on other things.

4. Mike & Molly -- THIS SHOW IS NOT FUNNY.

5. Just about every reality show -- Just stop already, please? I like my TV to be nice and fake :)

Death Metal Neighbour

I live in a townhouse. My townhouse is stuck to two other townhouses, one on each side. On one side, I have The Good Neighbours. They are, as the name implies, good neighbours. 

On the other side, I have Death Metal Neighbour. Can you guess what kind of music he listens to?

 

This. And it's horrible. Seriously - only listen to it for maybe 20 seconds, or your head will explode. For real.

Death Metal Neighbour works overnight.....which means he plays his "music" during the day. I work early mornings......which means I'm home all day to hear his "music" pounding through my walls.

Also, he uses his air conditioner ALL SUMMER LONG, even when it's cool at night. And he sits on his back step and stares at me. And he rides an ugly bike. And he flicks cigarette butts near my steps. And he looks like he might smell like a wet bellybutton.

Raid should make jerk repellent.

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A Letter to My Dogs

Dear Jagger and Chewy,

There are a few things we need to address.

First, I want you to know I love you both very much.  How could I not?  You're both freaking adorable.

See? Freaking adorable.

But I'm starting to have some concerns about......well.....your brains.

You see, every Monday to Friday, the mailman comes to our front door.  Every Monday to Friday, he slips something (usually bills) through the mail slot on that door.  Every Monday to Friday, the mail slot makes a tiny noise when it closes.  And every Monday to Friday, YOU BARK YOUR LITTLE HEADS OFF WHEN THAT HAPPENS.  I could understand if, for example, that little mail slot sound was followed by a monster jumping out from behind the couch and yelling "ARGLEBLARGLEBLARGH!" and then stealing each of your 7,000,000 doggie toys, but that never happens.  NOTHING ever happens.  Yet you both bark.  Every.  Single.  Time.

I'm also a little concerned about your selective hearing problem.  If I say the word "treat," you both launch yourself through the air like tiny, furry rockets in my direction.  If I say "walk," you fire toward the door like little hair-torpedos.  But if I say "get off the couch," you look at me like I've just said something you have never heard before in your entire life -- which is not true, because I say those exact words FIVE HUNDRED TIMES A DAY.

So, while you are both very cute and wonderful dogs, I feel that we really need to iron out these two little issues.  Once we've fixed that, we can move on to discussing how yanking at the end of your leash until you gag will not make me go faster when I take you for a walk.

Love,
The Person Who Feeds You

When I Rule the World.......

Someday, I fully intend to be in charge of the world.  I haven't quite figured out how I'm going to do it, but I'm pretty sure I can pull it off.  And when I do, some things are going to change.

1.  Weather

When I look out the window and see sunshine and little fluffy clouds, my brain goes "OOH!  It looks nice out!  It must be nice out!  I'm going to wear a skirt and sandals!"  And then I go outside in a skirt and sandals, and it's -75 Celsius.  So when I'm in charge of the world, the sky will have to be honest about the weather.  If it's cold out, all clouds must look like this:

That way, I will know that even though the sun is shining, it is actually gross and cold and horrible outside and I shouldn't wear sandals.  Yes, I suppose I could just check The Weather Network to see what the temperature is, but that seems like an awful lot of work.


2.  Bad Drivers

If you cut me off/don't signal/throw something out your window and it hits my car, I get to paint your car like THIS and make you drive it through the city's toughest neighbourhoods:

3. Shopping Carts

When I'm in charge of the world, licences will be required in order to operate a shopping cart.  Why?  Because I'm sick of hobbling out of the grocery store with dented legs every time I need to pick up milk.


4. George Clooney

He has to do what I say.  If I want him to do my laundry, George Clooney has to do my laundry.  If I want him to walk my dogs, George Clooney has to walk my dogs.  If I want him to sit on my couch and look handsome, George Clooney has to sit on my couch and look handsome.

Well done, George.  You follow orders well.

5. Candy

I get all of it.  I might share it with you, if I'm feeling generous.

Mine.  ALL MINE.