A Letter to My Dogs

Dear Jagger and Chewy,

There are a few things we need to address.

First, I want you to know I love you both very much.  How could I not?  You're both freaking adorable.

See? Freaking adorable.

But I'm starting to have some concerns about......well.....your brains.

You see, every Monday to Friday, the mailman comes to our front door.  Every Monday to Friday, he slips something (usually bills) through the mail slot on that door.  Every Monday to Friday, the mail slot makes a tiny noise when it closes.  And every Monday to Friday, YOU BARK YOUR LITTLE HEADS OFF WHEN THAT HAPPENS.  I could understand if, for example, that little mail slot sound was followed by a monster jumping out from behind the couch and yelling "ARGLEBLARGLEBLARGH!" and then stealing each of your 7,000,000 doggie toys, but that never happens.  NOTHING ever happens.  Yet you both bark.  Every.  Single.  Time.

I'm also a little concerned about your selective hearing problem.  If I say the word "treat," you both launch yourself through the air like tiny, furry rockets in my direction.  If I say "walk," you fire toward the door like little hair-torpedos.  But if I say "get off the couch," you look at me like I've just said something you have never heard before in your entire life -- which is not true, because I say those exact words FIVE HUNDRED TIMES A DAY.

So, while you are both very cute and wonderful dogs, I feel that we really need to iron out these two little issues.  Once we've fixed that, we can move on to discussing how yanking at the end of your leash until you gag will not make me go faster when I take you for a walk.

Love,
The Person Who Feeds You

When I Rule the World.......

Someday, I fully intend to be in charge of the world.  I haven't quite figured out how I'm going to do it, but I'm pretty sure I can pull it off.  And when I do, some things are going to change.

1.  Weather

When I look out the window and see sunshine and little fluffy clouds, my brain goes "OOH!  It looks nice out!  It must be nice out!  I'm going to wear a skirt and sandals!"  And then I go outside in a skirt and sandals, and it's -75 Celsius.  So when I'm in charge of the world, the sky will have to be honest about the weather.  If it's cold out, all clouds must look like this:

That way, I will know that even though the sun is shining, it is actually gross and cold and horrible outside and I shouldn't wear sandals.  Yes, I suppose I could just check The Weather Network to see what the temperature is, but that seems like an awful lot of work.


2.  Bad Drivers

If you cut me off/don't signal/throw something out your window and it hits my car, I get to paint your car like THIS and make you drive it through the city's toughest neighbourhoods:

3. Shopping Carts

When I'm in charge of the world, licences will be required in order to operate a shopping cart.  Why?  Because I'm sick of hobbling out of the grocery store with dented legs every time I need to pick up milk.


4. George Clooney

He has to do what I say.  If I want him to do my laundry, George Clooney has to do my laundry.  If I want him to walk my dogs, George Clooney has to walk my dogs.  If I want him to sit on my couch and look handsome, George Clooney has to sit on my couch and look handsome.

Well done, George.  You follow orders well.

5. Candy

I get all of it.  I might share it with you, if I'm feeling generous.

Mine.  ALL MINE.